So when you're feeling depressed, we're supposed to care? When your 'world' crumbles, we're supposed to feel sorry for you? How do you expect me to feel compassion for you when you go around making fun of others. Oh so you're perfect? You have no flaws? If someone said something about you, you'd be moody for days. Yet you go around dissing others. Giving your opinion where its not needed. Please. Do us all a favour. Stop looking at yourself and your petty little problems. Intelligence does not signify maturity. Stop whining. Grow up...
I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not angry. Understand me. These are my thoughts. They have no emotional effect on me at all. Learn and move on. If it isn't relevant, thats great. Move on. Move on.
Went back to SMU today. Had nice talk with Ai Chee and later on with Kelvin. Think they are really genuine people. Wanted me to learn. Bought them each a thank you card. Hope my handwriting is readable enough... Went to the 3rd place with matt & rudy. Voideck wants to hold a gig there... Quite exciting. But cheapthrills might not be playing for that gig. Already have 2 in December. Been working on new songs too. New tunes to let Rudy and Joshua play around with. I'm sleepy... Going to bed.
Wow... Just finished watching 'Phone Booth' on my computer. Quite a short movie but packed with brutal honesty about life, love and lies. A sadistic view of how good things come from bad situations. Colin Farrell was excellent in portraying those emotions. I was really hooked into the movie.
To make the best of a bad situation is not always easy. Deciding to live right doesn't mean everything falls into place immediately. There's still the period where you have to clean up your past. Or at least prove that you're really changing for the better, and not just acting on some stupid whim. Shame on us who try to put down those who are trying. Even if they don't or can't carry it through. Give them some bloody respect for trying. What is the basis of our cynicism anyway? Could we do any better? If we have, are we afraid that someone might be better at it then us?
Handed in my report already. Feel a sense of relief. Know that I can concentrate on doing my own things now. But then again. In His service, there needs to be less of me. Already can see it starting to happen. I don't mind. Its a privilege...
Yes its late... Finishing up the last parts of my report. Left with the recommendations. Shouldn't be a problem to finish it by 2-ish? Have to go school at 10 to bind the report and hand it in...
I'm proud of myself. It doesn't affect me anymore. She doesn't affect me anymore. Realised certain things. Not someone I'd want to spend forever with anymore. Its kinda sad. But choices have been made. Too bad...
Well... back to my report!!
::: Lyric of the Day :::
A little hurt
I'm alright
I'm not gonna wait for you tonight
I'm at the stage
I'm sure
I'm not gonna wait for you anymore
Ran away
It's alright
I'm walking away from you tonight
I'm on the stage
I'm sure
I'm not gonna look at you anymore
The same
What a day!!! Woke up early to prepare for preservice prayer. Found too many verses. Quite anxious as I was waiting to go speak but everything went smoothly. Thinking back, I've decided that I need to slow down myself when speaking under stress. So that I can be clearer and be understood better. Like I always tell people... I'm a better writer than a speaker.
Worship wasn't very good. The band was quite distracting, but I managed to focus on worshipping Him. I think the bass and the acoustic guitar were out of tune. And the drums were spasmic. Speaker today was from Korea. Had a cute accent. Talked about different types of teachings in church. For example, those who only speak of blessings, or those who speak the wrong topic to the wrong congregation. He's very dynamic and passionate about what he believes it. Speaks with fervor. Can't tell if you meet him on the street though.
Had a blood donation drive in church. This was my second time donating. Felt fine all the way until the nurse took the needle from my vein and pressed a piece of cotton wool to my arm. A few minutes after that it felt that the room was getting hotter. And I started to feel very hungry. Like a void in my stomach. Then, I started to feel nauseated. Thats when Eugene came and asked me something about my band. I couldn't comprehend what he was saying cos I was feeling damn uncomfortable. Started breaking out in cold sweat. Then I heard him say, 'Eh.. You ok or not? You want me to get the nurse?"
Just as I said yes, my vision started getting blur. You know when your television has no reception, the white noise you see on the screen...? Thats all I saw before the nurse came and elevated my feet. Felt better after 15 minutes. But it was quite an experience.
Went for band practice after that. Managed to play even with the MASSIVE BLOOD LOSS! Hahaha... Practice was good. Ended at 5pm. Then I joined the rest of the leaders in the conference room for GG meeting... Had a wonderful time of worship. I want to worship like that with the whole service. It was AMAZING... It was so strong. Just like what I remember in old church camps. We're getting there!!!
Had dinner at parkway parade. Joined some others at Burger King to chit chat... Went to buy new strings for my electric guitar. Spent $10.50 on them.
Gotta finish my report and hand it in by wednesday. I want to finish it and hand it in on tuesday... I'll continue with it when I wake up later...
::: Quote of the Day :::
Rebuilding trust is always more difficult than starting from scratch.
Manchester United lost 3-1 at home... Sick...
Have to go up to talk speak on the pulpit tomorrow. Preservice prayer... I think I can do it.
Feeling slightly depressed but I'll be fine. Had a discussion with Dale's CG about whether God prepares a single partner for each of us. Shared with them what I've learnt over the months of 'research' that I've done reading up on topics like this.
::: Quote of the Day :::
I can only be the best I can be... No more.
Hopefully it'll be enough...
I had a good day today. Something happened just before I ended work which made me quite happy. :) Its been awhile... But its not time... But its still quite cool that it happened... Sorry that I have to be vague. Anyway, jamming was excellent. New ideas were flowing like water... Even came up with a nice part for a song during our free jam... Really moving to another level as a band. And all this in our first jamming session! Going into band dynamics and how to improve the song. This is so exciting! Probably going to the airport to spend time with God tomorrow. I know I'm going to have a good time tomorrow as well!
Work was incredibly long but its all over now... But I heard bad news when I came home. Mummy's going to England... cos Uncle Wah Ong passed away... I was shocked and a bit angry when I heard it. Shocked at how sudden it was. Angry because I had no idea of what he was going through till today. So sad... Apparently, Auntie Lucy has taken it quite badly.
How do you answer her questions? What is there to say? What explaination can you give?
'He didn't know of God's healing?'
Is it fair to say that? Or simply blame God for it? Even though you didn't rely on Him in the first place? Is it fair? Would you even listen now? Probably not...
We are here. We love you. He is with you. He loves you.
::: Lyric of the Day :::
Take, take 'til there's nothing
Nothing to turn to
Nothing when you get through
Won't you break
Scatter pieces of all I've been
Bowing to all I've been
Running to
Where are you?
Where are you?
Did you leave me unbreakable?
Leave me frozen?
I've never felt so cold
I thought you were silent
I thought you left me
For the wreckage and the waste
On an empty beach of faith
Was it true?
Scream
Deeper, I wanna scream
I want you to hear me
I want you to find me
I, I want to believe
But all I pray is wrong
And all I claim is gone
Yes, I, I got a question
I got a question
Where are you?
Today was one of the slowest days ever... I suspect tomorrow, being my last day here in SMU, will be the worst. I've started on my SIP report already and I want to finish it by this sunday. Hopefully I can. I've really been looking forward to the end of attachment. Then I'll be able to focus more on my work in the XS committee and also on my band. Have to start preparing for Stasis V in December.
I think I might have a phobia of having too high expectations of something. I wonder if there's a term for it. Its like I don't dare to wait to eagerly for an event. Maybe its because I had the biggest letdown of my life last year? Whatever the case, I must remember to keep my focus. I must remember my goal and I must keep striving towards it. Cos if I lose that, I lose meaning in life.
Went to watch Singapore Vs. Palestine at Jalan Besar Stadium just now. Nice stadium, nice crowd, LAME MATCH. It ended 0-0... I think the some of the supporters were more entertaining than the players on the field. They come up with 'smart' things to say to the players, the referee, the linesmen. Singapore's soccer is a sad case. I was telling Gerald & Andy after the match. Goal 2010 can kiss my backside...
From backsides to prayer... Lynette asked me to do pre-service prayer for this sunday... About youth camp. Nervous as usual. Must prepare... I think I'll do that on friday morning when I go to Changi Airport to spend time with God. I want to write the 2nd half of my poem as well. Gotta go sleep soon... Manchester Vs. Rangers tonight at 2 plus... Dunno whether I should wake up to watch...
::: Quote of the Day :::
Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?
|Shakespeare|
::: Lyric of the Day :::
I'm not scared that I will tire of her
She takes me out into the beautiful love
I'm not sure just what it means
From a whisper to a scream
I get scared that she will tire of me
Tell a lie and break my heart into three
I'm not sure just what it means
From a whisper to a scream
I'm not scared now when I walk through the storm
I'll come home and I'll find strength in your arms
I'm not sure just what I mean
From a whisper to a scream
I'm not scared now when I'm having to leave
I'll come home and I'll find strength when I breathe
I'm not sure just where I've been
From a whisper to a scream
Its always like that isn't it? You make a decision and things start to 'distract' you again. Let me put it here so that I can keep reminding myself.
NO!
Keep your balance and your focus.
You could say its just an invitation as a friend. But no...
Its nice to be invited... But no...
Its nice to be remembered... But no...
No...
NO...
Here's something disturbing that I came across in the news...
From 1997 to 2001, 20 primary school pupils jumped to their deaths, according to a study of unnatural deaths among children under the age of 13.
Yikes... What a statistic! Especially during what is supposed to be the most fun in a person's life. Childhood.
It’s another chapter in my life. The previous one has come to a close. It’s probably a good thing. Looking back, it is weird to see how someone who I treasured so much could have caused me so much pain. That’s how it works I guess. In loving someone, you open up your heart and are susceptible to all kinds of emotions.
Was I wrong in opening up my heart to love her?
I seriously don’t think so. I mean if after 2 years you still can’t be sure about whether your partner is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with then what’s the point in continuing the relationship?
Could I have been better in the relationship?
Of course. There were many things I shouldn’t have done and many more things I should have done but didn’t. I think as with every other aspect of my life, I should have placed him first.
So what happens now?
I think the biggest ongoing struggle for me is stopping myself from worrying about my future partner. Many times I’ve wondered, the relationship with her was so beautiful. Will I ever have another one like it? Is it possible to have a miracle like that happen again? Let’s just say, I’m trying my best to trust Him to make it happen.
Where do I go from here?
I really don’t have a clue. I’m just aiming towards the existing route which God has planned for me. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do after I’ve reached there. But I’m not worried. That’s still 5 years away. Maybe along the way, I’ll meet someone who’s right for me.
::: Lyric of the Day :::
I walked this bridge
and I've called your name
And you always hear me cry
I rested long enough to pray
And I've heard you answer me
I've heard you answer
So tired, so slow, forgive me
But the road you walk
It breaks my heart
I kick, I scream, frustrated
But your faithfulness
It stands by me
Take care man...
Plain Sunset... Amazing... Almost 10 years as a band and still going strong. Saw a lot of familiar faces yesterday at the gig. Faces that I recognise from 4 years ago when I used to frequent Youth Park. Difference now is that they know my name. Haha.
Anyways, the moshing was excellent... Haven't moshed like that since I dunno when. Really enjoyed myself. Met up with Joshua to talk about him sessioning for the band. Think all we need is a jamming session to see if we can click... Met Maha at Cineleisure just before the gig also. Managed to break the news about the band to him already. Feel a bit bad about it. Hope he doesn't feel too bad.
Woke up this morning with a slight neckache from the strain of the moshing yesterday. Played guitar for service... Worship is getting better. Trying to break barriers now. To get people to stop holding back. Its working. Have to continue doing it...
Might be going down to play soccer if I'm not too tired... I think I shall go rest awhile first...
This week will be the last week of attachments. After submitting my report, I'll be free!!! YEAH!
Thank You God for helping me stop the maddening emotions. I know its not by my strength. Cos when I don't spend enough I can feel them seeping back. Thank you that I will always have you to turn to. Even when people or situations are against me, help me not to compromise. Amen...
Wow... One of the days I won't easily forget. Went to some charity dinner thingy at Hyatt hotel after work. Food wasn't too bad... First course was bread and butter. (Don't laugh!) Then we had some fusion looking dish... Tuna and avarcado with a tortilla chip... hahaha. Later on there was a chicken dish. Already started to feel quite full at this dish. don't ask me why. I think after that was dessert already. Hahaha. The more you pay for a meal, the less they give you to eat. Haha! What I really enjoyed was the live jazz music towards the later portion of the night. A very comfortable 3 piece jazz band provided accompanyment for the several singers. A bassist (loved his bass... It had no head and a small body), a drummer (complete with brushes and smokey cymbals) and a keyboardist. Most of the singers were alright but Wendi Koh was very good. But later on when Dessy 'something' came on stage to sing, I was amazed. When she was introducing herself, I thought she would be another 'alright' singer. But when she started singing, I was blown away. She was quite small in size (midget sized) and I was wondering, "Where does the vocals come from?"
But I guess the highlight of my day was when President Nathan was taking his leave from the banquet hall. As he was walking past my table, he stepped towards me and streched out his hand. I was amazed as I shook his hand. Like wow... How cool is that man! Hahahaa... Must remember to thank Ai Chee for the dinner. It was an extremely enjoyable night for me.
Been encouraged this whole day. Managed to get through 3 days without reminscing about her also!!! This is so fun! Was talking to God while walking home. Praying for other people now. Feel more effective now... Must keep relying on God for the strength cos I know it'll be very easy to start stumbling again.
::: Verse of the Day :::
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
|Isaiah 43:18-19|
Woke up at 6:30 this morning... Wanted to try doing QT in the morning. Got out of bed, walked to the table to get my bible, went back to my bed, opened the bible to Isaiah and fell asleep. Hahaha.. Really very tired... I'll try to sleep earlier tonight. Going to meet Ben, Pat and Gloria later at city hall... Should be fun. Maybe buying guitar strings also... super slinkies!!
I was reading through my testimonials on friendster and this one really cracks me up.
daryl... one of the coolest kid back in sec school... funny as hell, crapster and all... hahahhaa he's a great chap to begin with with amazing drumming talent... keep up the good drumming thingy man... and rock on... music is life!
In secondary school I was a nerd!! Hahaha... Fauzi is full of crap...
The rest of the testimonials have been really encouraging. I guess this is one of the ways to see how you really affect people. Of course, it could just be a way to get me to write you a nice testimonial. HAHA...
I've decided already... Dunno how long it'll last but I've made the decision. I'm serious about this. I wonder how it feels to not have my life revolving around her for the first time in 3 years. No more whining, no more tears, no more hazy thoughts. Gosh... I can't remember the last time I thought so clearly.
:::Lyric of the Day:::
| here i'm in between darkness and light
bleached and blinded by these nights where im tossing and tortured til dawn by you, visions of you then youre gone the shock lifts the red from my face when i hear someone's taking my place how could love be so thoughtless, so cruel when all, all that i did was for you i break in two over you i break in two and each piece of me dies and only you can give the breath of life but you dont see me you dont.. |
You might be just what I need
No I would not change a thing Been dreaming of this so long But we only exist in this song The thing is, I'm not worth the sorrow And if you come and meet me tomorrow I will hold you down, fold you in Deep, deep, deep in the fiction we live I break in two over you I break in two And if a piece of you dies Autumn, I will bring you back to life Of course I see you I do. |
Went to look for at phones after work. Wanted to get Nokia's N-gage. Only thing was, the 128 MB memory card cost about $150. Thats what the guy at the Nokia said. Didn't actually get to see the card. Dale's advice was to get a good but cheaper phone and a seperate MP3 player. I don't need the MP3 player. Just thought it would be good to have the combination of the 2...
I'm about to let go...
It is possible.
You've gone so far and I'm now only starting to turn away.
You could say that its for the best
but I think you put it to death...
::: Quote of the Day :::
It was like some sort of ointment... soothing over the pain for awhile. But you knew it'd wouldn't last. Maybe only for those 3 or 4 hours.
Feeling better now. Finding my balance again. This is getting old… Time to take off these shackles. Don’t want to keep getting dragged down. You keep saying that you’re going to stop and how this is going to be the last time. Will it? Just got to keep on trying I guess… Just have to keep pressing on.
Looking for educational web portals. Can’t seem to find many…Just some random nonsense that I came across while doing research.
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet & when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. We propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat sandwich array, a high-speed monorail would easily link Singapore to the rest of the world.
::: Quote of the Day :::
But to some girls, it's about finding someone who understands you and values you.
When the Christian is not focused on God, then the person who is understanding does not have to know God right?
It feels as if the walls are closing in. I'm only satisfied when I'm playing for Him. Other times I'm reduced to a vegetable. Whats the use of trying so hard if there isn't anything to gain? I'm so sick of feeling this and yet I can't stop. Where's the switch? Why can't I be selfish? Why do I have to wait? What am I waiting for? I just want to move on. I just want to hate her. It'll be so much easier.
No one owes you anything... Be honest with yourself Daryl. She was young and she didn't know what she was doing. She may have meant it at the time. But its comparable to a child wanting a new toy. Then throwing it away after awhile. She doesn't give a shit. Why do you care so much? The worst thing is... after so much whining and complaining. I'll still yearn for her tomorrow. Its been like this for a year. I really hope something good is coming from all this.
::: Lyric of the Day :::
Breathe, trust, bless me and release
Climb, hard or never be seen
Closed off rescue to breathe
Just bless me
Closure has come to me, myself
You will never belong to me
Like a leech
I hold on as if we belonged
To some precious pure dream
Cast off you've seen what's beneath
Now fail me
Forget closure... Forget closure... Forget closure... Forget closure...
It was a good day... Till I heard about their surprise birthday plan for her, from her... I won't deny.. I was pissed. Why do they get to do special things for her. How come I don't? And how come they're still telling me to keep away?
When I got home to complain to God about it, I barely spent 10 minutes on my bed before I realised how selfish I was. I've been praying so much that she comes back to church and just because I don't get to share her birthday with her, I get angry? Shows how selfish I can be. My thinking has to change.
Spent the day with the guys. Went for a gig at the park near the esplanade... Ska, Hip-hop, acoustic guitar, then killer punk rock. Met Nurul, Fad and two of her friends. *winks*
Left for Fish & Co. after Shoe Size Nine's set. About 18 of us at the dinner... Would have been 20 but two guys had to leave for a birthday party. Talked until 9:40... Then made our way to Plaza Singapura to catch 'Underworld'. Interesting show. The vampires were quite similar to those in Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. Found it weird how only the first werewolf disintegrated when shot with the silver bullet. Ah well...
::: Lesson of the Day :::
Just because things don't turn out the way you want them to, doesn't mean its not for the best.
Good morning world.. Yes its 3 am in the morning... Just got back from the playground with Matt, Ziig, Pam & Aaron. Hanging out, playing guitar, drinking vodka, talking nonsense basically... Saw John Chan from Plain Sunset, Sonic Edge Band, Surreal... He was walking home, but agreed to sit down and talk to us. He's a really nice guy... Down to earth, sensible and accepting... I really respect him. We were talking like old friends... He even performed a plain sunset song for us. Hahah... Only downside was that Pam & Aaron were somewhat drunk...
I really had a great time. The thought of sharing the stage with plain sunset in December excites me to no end.
| Blink 182's new album is coming soon... Hope its good... Click on the 'play' button on the left to listen to the latest single. :) |
Went for dinner with Ziig, Matt & Jean yesterday. Katong Laksa!!! After that we went back to our 'headquarters'... The playground... to talk. Settled some things about the band. We've kinda decided that if cheapthrills was to go anywhere, we'd need a lineup change. Hope they'll be able to take the news... :-(
Its kinda exciting thinking about jamming and performing with the new members. Hopefully we'll be able to fulfill what we want now. I get shivers just thinking about it... Need to start practising soon... Big gig coming up in December...
::: Quote of the Day :::
Where i want to be and where i am... Depends on how far we're apart...
Avoid? Like a disease? Like a plague? They mean well. But I'm not going to be ashamed that I like her.
Stay silent? Yes!
Emotionless? No.
Feelings are one thing, actions are another. I'm trying to do the right thing by not doing anything.
I must believe, where I cannot prove. Prayer is simply faith and when faith ceases to pray, it ceases to live.
I must obey.
Yet faith is called upon, and that right often to wait in patience before God, and is prepared for God's seeming delays in answering prayer. Faith does not grow disheartened because prayer is not immediately honoured; it takes God at His Word, and lets Him take what time He chooses in fulfilling His purposes, and in carrying on His work -- Knowing there will be delays in answering prayer, and regards such delays as times of testing, in the which, it is privileged to show its mettle,and the stern stuff of which it is made.
Doubts should never be cherished, nor fears harboured. Let none cherish the delusion that he is a martyr to fear and doubt. It is no credit to any man's mental capacity to cherish doubt of God, and no comfort can possibly derive from such a thought. Our eyes should be taken off self, removed from our own weakness and allowed to rest implicitly upon God's strength.
::: Verse of the Day :::
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;
And to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;
And to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.
For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.
|2 Peter 1:5-9|
My theory for how long a day appears to be seems to be right. Ever since ShaoXiong messaged me to go Gelare tonight, time has been slowed to a standstill. Maybe also because Chris isn't here today. I wonder what happened to her.Been trying to finish minor changes to the website, but I keep getting distracted. I think I should be done now.
Lynette made me think a lot yesterday. About humans being selfish creatures. I agree with her on that. But she said something about how we should be totally submissive. I agree again with her on this. We should! The world will be a better place if we all were more selfless.
This is me reasoning with myself. I'm not sure if I'm right about this. Don't quote me.
My question is, is desire so wrong? How do you stop desire? Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying its impossible. Its just that I can't get my mind around it. Why would God give us the ability to desire and then ask us to give it all up? Or maybe it isn't giving it all up. Maybe its giving God your desires. Is it the same thing? Something else for me to learn when I figure it out.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Another day, another emotion. But its nothing I haven't felt before.
And I remember what you said and I remember how you said goodbye.
So I'll stay silent and quiet and I'll wait for my reward.
So this story stays open ended.
I rather you closed me off, but you left me hanging.
So I won't stay here and stay tempted
You know I try, You know I try!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Good evening world... Today's been a good day. Played guitar for worship. Still have quite a lot to improve in my play, but I think its good experience. :) Pastor gave a good sermon today. The hymn he shared was really touching. I'll try to get the lyrics.
Hung around with Xiong and Pat in the sanctuary after lunch. Talked a lot of nonsense. Helped out Cedric with some drumming techniques. Somehow got asked by Shianni to play the acoustic guitar for their band. I guess i should take it as a compliment... Hee. Jammed on the drums after the practice. Think I've gotten some sort of double pedaled drum solo down. Shall practice more when I get the opportunity.
After practice the whole group of us(15 of us I think) went to Parkway Parade. Had dinner at Burger King. Sat there chatting with them till 9-ish... Talked about all sorts of things ranging from music genres and church bands to students studying in cafes and starting up a studying cafe. A studying cafe... Where students pay a small fee to stay in the cafe for the whole day to study. :P Haha.. Anyway, really enjoyed my day with the 'young adults'. Now I feel all grown up! Haha...
20 more days till the end of attachment. Can hardly wait... What am I looking forward to? I have no clue. More time to spend with God?
::: Lyric of the Day :::
Let me in to see you in the morning light,
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted all the time
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted all the time
Some times
Albums to buy...
Dashboard Confessional - "A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar"
Brand New - "Deja Entendu" & "Your Favourite Weapon"
The Ataris - "So Long, Astoria" & "End Is Forever"
| Hello world.. Been messing around with my blog template. Think I'm ready to move on to a new look. I changed the color of my blog cos the old one was giving me sore eyes. Haha...
I was getting more depressed the nearer it got to the end of work just now. Weird isn't it? Most people look forward to the weekend. I guess it just reminds me for how 'alone' i am. Thank God for Matt & Jean though... Met them at Kembangan. They invited me to go Orchard. Didn't want to go at first cos I'd feel 'extra'. But it was better than sulking at home... We had dinner at Burger King. Laughed at a group of 16 'Ang Mors' cos they were crowded round a table for 4. I think only 3 of them were eating. | |
| Met SueAnn and then later met Brandon. So fun to see old friends. Made our way to Borders to look for CDs... Met Brandon again. Went to Far East Plaza to look at T-shirts. Bought a $120 atticus hoodie. There goes my pocket money. Matt bought a further seems forever T-shirt. Headed down to Heeren's HMV to look at more CDs. I just can't seem to be able to buy dashboard confessional's new album. When we left Heeren, it was pouring outside. Took a cab back. |  |
| Met Andy just now during lunch. Shared with him a summary of everything that happened the 2 weeks he was gone. Accountability always helps. Thank God for people who care. Really... I wouldn't have got this far if it weren't for them. Thanks for bearing with all my whining. | |
My bible is on my bed... I know I should go read it. I know I should go spend time with God. But I'm not doing it. Why? The closest answer I can get to the truth is... I want to do this on my own. I can't stay still and wait for Him to do something. I want it to happen now... I want her back now. I thought I could pick it up where God left off... Truth is, He isn't done yet. I snatched it out of His hands. I just hope that I didn't ruin anything.
Daryl, you silly silly boy. When will you learn to rely on me? I will provide.
But I want her.
I'll give you whats best for you.
But I want her.
Trust me.
But... will it be her?
Daryl... please don't doubt me. I've never failed you and I never will.
Yah, but I don't want anyone else...
Daryl, stop worrying and go to bed... Tomorrow will be a better day...
Are you sure?
Trust me.
Goodnight... Thanks for everything
I love you, Goodnight
There are somethings that I will never understand. Here is something I wrote when I was feeling really down...
I miss her. I want so much to feel her in my arms again but it seems like it might never happen. I've brought foolishness to another level. I feel like crying. She's so beautiful, yet its only her eyes that I look into. Her face so fragile, I can hardly look away. Reasons to love her? Is it necessary to explain? Its been the same since the start. I love the way we connect when we talk. The way I can be honest with myself around her. The way she allowed me to take care of her, as well as the way she took the lead when I couldn't. She made me a better person. Maturity? Don't talk to me about maturity. I've thought so much this one year it hurts.
He must be doing something very right for her. And I haven't a clue what its is. I hear her go on and on about how insensitive, demanding, controlling he is. But at the end of the day, she's still over there. I'm running out of ideas. And I'm so afraid of that. I'm so afraid that I'll run out of nice things to say to her. I'm so afraid that I'm not trying hard enough, but at the same time i'm afraid to try my best. The thought that she just stands there after i tried my best chills me to the bone.
I'm sick of people telling me to let go. I cannot and will not let go if I know she still feels for me. If I know there is a chance. I can go on forever describing every emotion that courses through me when I'm around her. Even the thought of that one kiss that will tell me that she's mine again... It lifts me and cripples me.
Yours truly in the goth rock look... Heheheh. Thanks to my brother, Dale for sending me the pictures.
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The Visits
